Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
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“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child