Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
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If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her