astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
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I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Feels like there should be a middle ground
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
black phone good
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No