Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
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I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
he’s doing your taxes
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.