7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
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if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
relationship goals
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?