@Sassafrantz: At 17, Joan of Arc led the French to victory and I just looked for my phone while talking on it.
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@GoldenSpirals: My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it's finished. There's no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
@Ideal_Victoria: I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
@bradgage: ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
@AlexvanBeek: [10mins from now] ..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..