how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
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A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread