My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
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So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Pat is about to own someone
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
My neck, my back, my…
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.