@FunnyCauseImFat: At 1am I'm going to wake up my 2 year old by yelling his name and crying. Then, I'll crawl into his toddler bed. Let's see how he likes it.
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@noog: People act like weed is the worst thing for short-term memory. Go drink 15 beers and see if you can remember your name or how legs work.
@brendohare: A nation cheers as Bigfoot is finally found. "We just yelled his name," said the head explorer. "Can't believe no one thought of that."
@thepunningman: wife: Can't we just buy a bigger catflap? me: [buttering the cat] We're not made of money, Karen
@Brampersandon_: *catches son swearing through sign language* "We don't use that language in this house" *hands him hand sanitizer* "You know what to do"