I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
You Might Also Like
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Sunday
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.