[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
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I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
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