@BrassBallsCJ: At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
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@stevevsninjas: [physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer] "Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!"
@JasonLastname: The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
@EndhooS: My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
@UncleBob56: Wife: What's your fantasy? Me: It involves your mom. W: Your disgusting! M: W: What is it? M: I always wished she'd taught you how to cook.