At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
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Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN