At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
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People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Me if I was a dog
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great