At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
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as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
welcome back
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
How to wake up a Beagle
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.