At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
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[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.