[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
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I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.