[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
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Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him