[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
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the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.