[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
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Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
This one’s “Alex”.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
good work, everybody
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
somebody come look at this
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what