[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
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I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now