A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
You Might Also Like
Ok who’s got my black socks?
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
SCARY COSTUME
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh