I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
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My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!