I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
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“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.