Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
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A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.