[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
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If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
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– me warning my dog about skunks
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
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JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
Who says great literature is dead?
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
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Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
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undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
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1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.