[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
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Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.