At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
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Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
I bet birds love this building.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?