At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
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My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Happy weekend !
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive