[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
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My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
Herpes is trending, good job people
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it