*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
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I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.