*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
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[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead