My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
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I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.