[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
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Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Quadruple digit IQ
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.