[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
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“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them