[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
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“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.