[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
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[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.