Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
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opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Realize this:
good work, everybody
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
The smoothest fall of all time
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around