The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
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indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
I’d rather go liquor treating.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha