[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
You Might Also Like
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
i like to flex on them by shrugging
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know