[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
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Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Who’s ready for Friday?!
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
A dad and his duck
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door