The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
You Might Also Like
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
Eat…
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
“what’s it like having a sister?”
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal