At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
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Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited