At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
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I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!