At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
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“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
Shortcut
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.