@NotThatKevin: At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven't got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
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@kumailn: "Forget our mess. I'll go into the beauty of the natural world." *Planet Earth 2. 100 snakes swarm iguana baby* "I'll go back to the news."
@DurtMcHurtt: ME: *posing nude for a painter* GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir...I have a family.
@Jesusontwittorr: To all those telling me this account is a sin - Don't worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later