At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
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My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.