@NotThatKevin: At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven't got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
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@Scdavis24: Getting back with your ex is like taking a shower and putting back on your dirty underwear.
@timdonakowski: Boss: I'm following you on Twitter. Me: Sweet! 'Nother follower! [Days later] Me: Oh wait. Shit.
@Sickayduh: Good cop: We got you red-handed! Weatherman cop: Well there's a 70% chance of guilt but I'd go ahead and make weekend plans
@OneThirstyNaut: [Enter a password] "beansandsausage" [Password must contain at least two capitals] "limabeansandviennasausage"