At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
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Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
The internet is full of many things
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
What’s a Messi?
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.