[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
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[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
how to have fun when you’re poor
Oh we’ve met.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh