[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
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Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
relationship goals
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.