[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
You Might Also Like
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me