wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
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Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.