[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
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Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.